SCANDAL at ASK DAN!

For purposes only our lawyers understand, the old page is still available for viewing.

December 5, 1998
We got the following question on November 13, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
I have yet to visit the Lounge Ax but I plan to come this Sunday when Jeff Tweedy is playing. I wanted to check out the Lounge Ax so I began to search the web. I came across Lounge Ax home page and found Ask Dan. There is a link on the home page that says Ask Dan Chicago's Best Doorman answers your questions. Now when I clicked on Best Doorman is took me to New City's Alternative America. I am a hetrosexual and I was wondering why when I clicked on this it took me to a Alternative America site. Are you gay and is your bar gay. I wanted to make sure before I went.
Sincerely,
Totally Confused

The next question arrived on November 19, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
Why does it take you so long to respond to questions. I know you don't have a computer but does it take that long for someone to read you the questions and then for you to respond.
Yours Truely
Totally Confused

Totally,
Since I received both of your questions at the same time, I will answer them at the same time.

First the part about why it takes so long:

In one of my previous answers, I went into extensive detail on this particular matter. I would like to go over some of the key points from that answer. Unfortunately, I took some really good acid around that time and forgot everything I said. But it probably had something to do with my only seeing the guy with the computer (who originally gets the questions ) at the most, once a week. This results in a minimum one week delay and usually more than that. Thus, questions about specific dates & times, such as those about upcoming shows, may cause the asker to be become frustrated by the delay.

I might suggest that curious Ask Dan readers try to steer away from questions requiring answers by a certain time. Instead you might want to Ask about things that would be answered with opinions or personal philosophy. Then, the only thing that would frustrate you would be trying to figure out my answer.

Such as my response to Totally's first question about whether Lounge Ax or I am gay.

The answer to both questions is no. It is possible that a few people might disagree with my saying that Lounge Ax is not gay. But I personally consider someone narrow-minded who thinks that just because we have naked men in a state of arousal kissing and fondling each other, it would automatically make us a gay bar.

In going over your question, Totally, it occurs to me that it was the use of the word alternative that caused you to become concerned about whether Lounge Ax is gay. Considering that we a rock club, do you think it's possible that alternative refers to, oh, I don't know, maybe alternative M U S I C ? ? ! !

Anyway Totally, I hope I have put to rest any concerns you had about whether or not Lounge Ax is gay. Feel free to come here any time feeling totally secure. And if you play your cards right, you might even get our bouncer, Big Bruce, to give you a wet, sloppy kiss.
See you later sailor,
Dan

Most venerable Dan,
I am flying in from San Francisco to see a show at your venerable club this week. Having never been there before, I am unsure of the attire. Not wanting to stand out as some freakazoid from out of town, I am curious of the dress code. Pearls and evening gowns? Cubs hats and Bulls t-shirts? Those itty bitty tops the Limited sells for those who have the body of young boys (not me)? Please let me know so I am not turned away by your holiness at the door.

Ash SF

Ash,
As veteran Lounge Ax attendees have long been aware, we do indeed have a strict dress code. This dress code generally, though not necessarily requires some sort of clothing; possibly somehthing in the way of pants and shirts. Shoes would be optional, depending on whether or not you are from one of the southern states.

I can see how someone might take this answer as being somewhat vague. Therefore, in order to be my usual helpful self, I am listing some seasonal suggestions as to what people could wear to blend in at Lounge Ax.

I trust that these hints will be helpful to those who are fashion challenged. Now when you walk down the street, instead of people saying "what the fuck is wrong with them?" They will say "Hey, they must be going to Lounge Ax."
Sartorially,
Dan

Monday, October 5, 1998
Most Venerable Dan,
hey, do I need a ticket for the Shellac show? And why is the weather almost always shitty when I venture the 2 hours to Chicago for a cool show(ie Pegboy at Loyola).
helton

Helton,

There are no advance tickets for Shellac. Just show up that night and pay the intelligent, good looking guy at the door (or someone else if I'm not there.)

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get to the heart of your question -- the part about the weather.

Possibly, you're expecting me to blame the bad weather on you. Well, helton, it's not going to be that easy.

Blaming the bad weather on you may be confusing cause and effect. Instead of the weather being bad because you go out to rock shows, maybe you go out to rock shows because the weather is bad.

Maybe, deep down, you hate yourself.

Maybe, because of this, you feel a need to punish yourself.

Maybe you feel compelled to manifest this punishment by going out to rock shows when the weather is miserable.

Or maybe...I'm just full of psychoanalytical bullshit.

Freudianly,
Dan

Most venerable Dan,
i'm jaime and i'm 18 years old. lemme tell you something. there is a band called "fuck" which i'm sure you must know of, as they are booked to play at the lounge ax in late october. now, fuck have a place deep inside my heart, and one might say that they are one of my favourite bands in the world. one might also, just as accurately, say that i would do anything to finally be able to see this gorgeous band. however. *since* the lounge ax is a bar, 21 and over, etc etc, i am positivelutely forbidden to catch even a glimmer of this gorgeous band onstage. this distresses and frustrates me. how about you change your policy for the fuck/cat power show, just this once, and let one singular unfortunately-underage miss have a chance to see this band?

yours,
jaime.

Jaime,
The "policy" that you refer to is not really a policy, nor is it ours. It is a law and it comes from the state of Illinois. Nobody from the state, or anywhere else ever asked our opinion about the law which requires people to be 21 or over to get in to see shows at places that serve alcohol. If they had, we might have suggested that they consider lowering the minimum age. But our opinions may not be a major concern for state lawmakers and we are left with no choice but to follow the law.

With this in mind I decided to take your problem right to the top. I attempted to contact president Clinton, but I was told that he was preoccupied with some legal matters. I was then put in touch with vice-president Gore.

After exchanging pleasantries, I asked the vice-president whether there might be some way to get an 18 year-old in to see our Fuck show. I was startled to have our conversation abruptly terminated with a stern warning to never attempt to contact his office again.

Later on, going over the conversation in my mind, the possibility occured to me that he might not know that Fuck is the name of a band. This lack of knowledge could have created a somewhat different meaning to my request.

All of this does not do much good toward solving your problem, but at least I learned a valuable lesson: Be very careful about how I phrase questions.

Interrogativly,
Dan

Saturday, September 5, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
I was simply wondering, seeing as how I'm a native Minnesotan (ergo with a high propensity of statesmanship), and figuring Illinois MUST be the same way, the following question:

Imagine if you will, a dark, potent alley down near Pullaski. Lounge Ax is walking innocently and oh-so-debonair like down the alley when'st all of a sudden it stumbles across a gruff and lecherous harem of 40 Watt Club of Athens, GA; First Ave. Club of Minnepolis, MN; Cats's Cradle of Chapel Hill, NC; 9:30 of DC; La Luna of Portland, OR; and Neurolux of Boisie, ID. Lounge Ax shuffles it's pretentious Ian McKay style boot, glances at the shadows, and lunges at the harem in a brawl.

Who wins and why? Lounge Ax or the harem?

Am just dying to know Dan.
Frimbo

Frimbo,

First off, Frimbo, I'd like to congratulate you for being resourceful. I understand that the drugs you've been using are difficult to find. I won't spend time dwelling on any of the following:

• Why someone from Minnesota should have a high propensity of statesmanship.
• How it is, exactly, that an alley can be potent (unless you are refering to the odor) or why choose to locate it near Pulaski (with one "l").
• Whoever the hell Ian McKay is.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines a "harem" as: 1. A house or rooms reserved for the women of a Muslim household. 2. The women occupying a harem.

I sincerly believe that in a physical confrontation, Lounge Ax should more than hold its own against six Muslim women.

Also, Frimbo, I'll throw in some advice. I truly appreciate your imagination, but next time you might want to check with your doctor before you stop taking your medication.

pharmaceutically,
Dan

Monday, July 20, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
What's the deal? I see a for sale sale on the lovely brown brick in front of the Lounge Ax. Are you guys moving or what?
colon

Colon,
You have inadvertently touched upon two separate issues.
The building in which Lounge Ax has been housed for nearly eleven years is being sold. But since Lounge Ax does not own the building, this would be of interest only to the owner, or a prospective buyer, or someone who is fascinated by real estate transactions.
But since you ask if we are moving, the answer is that we have been considering finding a new location for some time, though it has nothing to do with the sale of the building. The reason will take some explaining.
When Lounge Ax opened in September of '87, the stretch along Lincoln Avenue where we are located was generally populated by various artists, musicians, literary types amateur philosophers, neighborhood activists and the occasional obligatory street bums. Of that group, only the street bums remain.
The others have been replaced by an infestation of what scientists refer to as the yuppus repulsivitus, more commonly known as yuppies. This has led to some drastic changes. Places such as Orphans, Guild Books, Wax Trax and the Jury Room have been replaced by a video rental store, fancy coffee place and yuppie bars such as the Gin Mill (boy, a lot of thought sure went into that name, didn't it?) There are now some nights when Lincoln looks like a big fraternity party -- BLAGGHHH!! (for those who can't figure that out, the previous unpronounceable syllable is meant to represent a gagging sound.)
About now, you may be saying to yourself something like, "Hey Dan, thanks for the update on recent Lincoln Avenue History - but so what?
Well this is so what: the changeover in the neighborhood has led to a few difficulties such as complaints from neighbors about noise (as though these geniuses couldn' figure out until A F T E R they moved in that there was actually night life on Lincoln). These complaints then led to other problems that I won't spend time discussing, since they have been documented elsewhere such as in the Reader and the Trib.
Since things have been going relatively smoothly for some time, we could probably stay where we're at indefinitely without any major annoyances, but with all these dam yuppies creeping around here, we just might be a little more comfortable at another spot. As Greek philosopher Aristotle noted centuries ago: "Yuppies are like roaches, they're impossible to get rid of.
retrospectively
Dan

Saturday, June 6, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
Why is booze so expensive at Lounge Ax? Don't you and everyone else working there understand that the more you charge the less we will drink? Take for instance if I attend one of your shows with twenty dollars in my pocket, how do you expect me to get drunk? Admittance is most likely between seven to ten dollars, so therefore I am left with only thirteen to ten dollars to spend on booze. How do you expect me to get drunk off of four to three beverages at three dollars a piece?
Steve M.

Steve,
Sue, one of the owners of Lounge Ax, suggests that you might want to consider drinking Huber, which we have on draft for just one dollar. If you start out with $20.00, and let's say the cover is $8.00, that means you could still have ten Hubers and still tip our overworked bartenders $2.00. If this column was called Ask Sue, the answer would now be over. But it's not Ask Sue it's Ask Dan, and as loyal readers know, the answer is not close to over.

Your reference to the cover charge seems to indicate that were it not for the cover the financial situation would be less of a problem. Well, let me tell you what would happen if we didn't charge a cover.

Since the cover charge goes to pay the bands, without a cover bands would not play here. If the bands no longer played here, people would no longer come here. If people didn't come here we would go out of business. If we went out of business, the next time you came to see a rock show, instead what you see is new place, with a clever name such as "The Gin Mill," and a bunch of yuppies wearing baseball caps and stupid sport shirts with white tee-shirts underneath, and tan bermuda shorts or designer jeans and maybe even sandals. And they'd all be watching the (choose one) (a)Cubs, (b)White Sox, (c)Bears, (d)Blackhawks - on some big screens.

And you know what Steve? It would all be your fault for complaining about the cover.

So try not to be too upset. Remember, things could be much much worse.

optimistically,
Dan

April 24, 1998,
Most venerable Dan,
Why do all the girls like to take off their tops when they get drunk together? Especially Sue. And why do you always miss it?
Maux

Darling Maux (I like the spelling),
The reason the girls participate in the extracurricular activities the you refer to is for the purpose of entertaining me.

Unfortunately, as you point out, I keep missing it. This would seem to indicate that their plans are continuing to backfire.

I'm not sure whether it's they or me, but somebody needs to work on their timing.
Revealingly,
Dan

Saturday, April 25, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Not to worry, the people know you're a doorknob, and that's what counts. As for Helga, at least that explains why you're not very bright.

Or shiny. One more question, if I may: Lounge Ax seems very proud of a doorman who makes people feel unwelcome, but when the back door yuppie tries to make Lounge Ax feel unwelcome, everyone cries real loud and then runs and gets David Yow to say something mean. Is it possible that your bad karma caused this unfortunate event to befall Lounge Ax?
Neve

Dear Bev:

(Note to Ask Dan readers: Once again I have misplaced my reading glasses. But not to worry. The always reliable Mr. Anthony has made himself available to read me the question and record my answer.)

optometrically,
Dan

January 21, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Some times I have a difficulty urinating at Lounge Ax shows. It is not that I can't get into the bathroom, I can. However, it seems the prevailing bathroom protocol at Lounge AX is luck of the draw. I prefer the stall for the peace solitude and comfort it provides. Can you help? Perhaps a secret passage to your private comode?
Tom

Dear Tom,
I understand your problem. I share your lack of desire to urinate in front of an audience.

But as far as using my "private comode" forget it. I'm already sharing it with the Lounge Ax owners, most of the employees and more than a few musicians. Still, I may be able to help you. While waiting for a stall, you might want to wear a sign which reads, "only peeing." This will eliminate from consideration the possibility that you might want to engage in any of the various activities that one might take part in while alone in a bathroom stall. However, if you don't want to call attention to yourself with such a sign, there is another possibility. With the proper padding and attire, (if such things can be called appropriate) you might be able to pass yourself off as a female. This would enable you to use the womens' washroom where you should have no trouble getting the use of a stall.

I would only ask that if you attempt to use this method, please do a really good job of looking like a girl. If our female customers thought a guy was using their bathroom, it might tend to cut down a little on their coming here.

January 18, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Who the cute blond girl is who is always talking to you at the door. Is she your girlfriend? What do you two talk about for hours and hours? You make a cute couple. Thanks,

two curious and slightly jealous admirers

Dear curious and slightly jealous,

I must compliment you on your most excellent timing. Her name is Katie. Katie and I are both very free spirited. As you know, February is Oral Sex Month, are we were looking for two other people to celebrate with. Since there are two of you , we just need to make arrangements to - - just a moment, the phone is ringing. Hold on, I'll be right back...

...hi, it's me again. Um, remember the part at the begining about excellent timing? Well, cancel that thought.

That was two members of the Swedish Olympic Topless Bikini and Thong Modelling Team on the phone. They were looking for two other people to celebrate the February festivities with. In the interest of promoting international relations, I told them that Katie and I would be glad to participate with them. They accepted my generous offer.

Saturday, January 10, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Are you in the habit of making New Year's Resolutions, and would you be making one for 1998? If so, what is it?
You seem like the type who would shun such a practice....
James C. Corn

Dear James,
You're right about not being a new year resolution type. I feel resolutions should come from self-motivation within an individual; not a date on the calendar. But since you ask. . .

I would like to resolve to make it my goal to achieve world peace. However, that's kind of a lot to bite off and I’m not quite sure just exactly where to begin.

So instead, I think I'll resolve to get a blow-job. It may not be on the scale of world peace, but all things considered, not a bad idea

With great anticipation,
Dan