LOUNGE AX

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Ask Dan 1998 Archive

 

 

 

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Ask Dan

December 5, 1998
We got the following question on November 13, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
I have yet to visit the Lounge Ax but I plan to come this Sunday when Jeff Tweedy is playing. I wanted to check out the Lounge Ax so I began to search the web. I came across Lounge Ax home page and found Ask Dan. There is a link on the home page that says Ask Dan Chicago's Best Doorman answers your questions. Now when I clicked on Best Doorman is took me to New City's Alternative America. I am a hetrosexual and I was wondering why when I clicked on this it took me to a Alternative America site. Are you gay and is your bar gay. I wanted to make sure before I went.
Sincerely,
Totally Confused

The next question arrived on November 19, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
Why does it take you so long to respond to questions. I know you don't have a computer but does it take that long for someone to read you the questions and then for you to respond.
Yours Truely
Totally Confused

Totally,
Since I received both of your questions at the same time, I will answer them at the same time.

First the part about why it takes so long:

In one of my previous answers, I went into extensive detail on this particular matter. I would like to go over some of the key points from that answer. Unfortunately, I took some really good acid around that time and forgot everything I said. But it probably had something to do with my only seeing the guy with the computer (who originally gets the questions ) at the most, once a week. This results in a minimum one week delay and usually more than that. Thus, questions about specific dates & times, such as those about upcoming shows, may cause the asker to be become frustrated by the delay.

I might suggest that curious Ask Dan readers try to steer away from questions requiring answers by a certain time. Instead you might want to Ask about things that would be answered with opinions or personal philosophy. Then, the only thing that would frustrate you would be trying to figure out my answer.

Such as my response to Totally's first question about whether Lounge Ax or I am gay.

The answer to both questions is no. It is possible that a few people might disagree with my saying that Lounge Ax is not gay. But I personally consider someone narrow-minded who thinks that just because we have naked men in a state of arousal kissing and fondling each other, it would automatically make us a gay bar.

In going over your question, Totally, it occurs to me that it was the use of the word alternative that caused you to become concerned about whether Lounge Ax is gay. Considering that we a rock club, do you think it's possible that alternative refers to, oh, I don't know, maybe alternative M U S I C ? ? ! !

Anyway Totally, I hope I have put to rest any concerns you had about whether or not Lounge Ax is gay. Feel free to come here any time feeling totally secure. And if you play your cards right, you might even get our bouncer, Big Bruce, to give you a wet, sloppy kiss.
See you later sailor,
Dan

Most venerable Dan,
I am flying in from San Francisco to see a show at your venerable club this week. Having never been there before, I am unsure of the attire. Not wanting to stand out as some freakazoid from out of town, I am curious of the dress code. Pearls and evening gowns? Cubs hats and Bulls t-shirts? Those itty bitty tops the Limited sells for those who have the body of young boys (not me)? Please let me know so I am not turned away by your holiness at the door.

Ash SF

Ash,
As veteran Lounge Ax attendees have long been aware, we do indeed have a strict dress code. This dress code generally, though not necessarily requires some sort of clothing; possibly somehthing in the way of pants and shirts. Shoes would be optional, depending on whether or not you are from one of the southern states.

I can see how someone might take this answer as being somewhat vague. Therefore, in order to be my usual helpful self, I am listing some seasonal suggestions as to what people could wear to blend in at Lounge Ax.

SPRING

Guys- A robe like the one Ghandi wore, cowboy boots and a beanie with a propeller on top.
Girls- Tight leather shorts and an equally tight halter-top (is this what you meant by itty bitty tops from the Limited, whatever the hell the Limited is?)
SUMMER

Guys- A scuba diving outfit, complete with flippers (the air tank is optional), and a ten-gallon hat.
Girls- A really short mini-skirt and a wet t-shirt.
FALL

Guys- A buckskin shirt, those stupid looking baggy shorts that basketball players wear, snowshoes and a construction workers helmet.
Girls- Tight, skimpy denim shorts and a bikini top.
WINTER

Guys- A Hell's Angels leather jacket, bright red, green and blue plaid pants, platform gym shoes and an Abe Lincoln style top hat.
Girls- Since Chicago winters are so cold, you'll need a warm coat. Once inside you can remove the coat to reveal that you are fashionably attired in ... absolutely nothing.

I trust that these hints will be helpful to those who are fashion challenged. Now when you walk down the street, instead of people saying "what the fuck is wrong with them?" They will say "Hey, they must be going to Lounge Ax."
Sartorially,
Dan

Monday, October 5, 1998
Most Venerable Dan,
hey, do I need a ticket for the Shellac show? And why is the weather almost always shitty when I venture the 2 hours to Chicago for a cool show(ie Pegboy at Loyola).
helton

Helton,

There are no advance tickets for Shellac. Just show up that night and pay the intelligent, good looking guy at the door (or someone else if I'm not there.)

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get to the heart of your question -- the part about the weather.

Possibly, you're expecting me to blame the bad weather on you. Well, helton, it's not going to be that easy.

Blaming the bad weather on you may be confusing cause and effect. Instead of the weather being bad because you go out to rock shows, maybe you go out to rock shows because the weather is bad.

Maybe, deep down, you hate yourself.

Maybe, because of this, you feel a need to punish yourself.

Maybe you feel compelled to manifest this punishment by going out to rock shows when the weather is miserable.

Or maybe...I'm just full of psychoanalytical bullshit.

Freudianly,
Dan

Most venerable Dan,
i'm jaime and i'm 18 years old. lemme tell you something. there is a band called "fuck" which i'm sure you must know of, as they are booked to play at the lounge ax in late october. now, fuck have a place deep inside my heart, and one might say that they are one of my favourite bands in the world. one might also, just as accurately, say that i would do anything to finally be able to see this gorgeous band. however. *since* the lounge ax is a bar, 21 and over, etc etc, i am positivelutely forbidden to catch even a glimmer of this gorgeous band onstage. this distresses and frustrates me. how about you change your policy for the fuck/cat power show, just this once, and let one singular unfortunately-underage miss have a chance to see this band?

yours,
jaime.

Jaime,
The "policy" that you refer to is not really a policy, nor is it ours. It is a law and it comes from the state of Illinois. Nobody from the state, or anywhere else ever asked our opinion about the law which requires people to be 21 or over to get in to see shows at places that serve alcohol. If they had, we might have suggested that they consider lowering the minimum age. But our opinions may not be a major concern for state lawmakers and we are left with no choice but to follow the law.

With this in mind I decided to take your problem right to the top. I attempted to contact president Clinton, but I was told that he was preoccupied with some legal matters. I was then put in touch with vice-president Gore.

After exchanging pleasantries, I asked the vice-president whether there might be some way to get an 18 year-old in to see our Fuck show. I was startled to have our conversation abruptly terminated with a stern warning to never attempt to contact his office again.

Later on, going over the conversation in my mind, the possibility occured to me that he might not know that Fuck is the name of a band. This lack of knowledge could have created a somewhat different meaning to my request.

All of this does not do much good toward solving your problem, but at least I learned a valuable lesson: Be very careful about how I phrase questions.

Interrogativly,
Dan

Saturday, September 5, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
I was simply wondering, seeing as how I'm a native Minnesotan (ergo with a high propensity of statesmanship), and figuring Illinois MUST be the same way, the following question:

Imagine if you will, a dark, potent alley down near Pullaski. Lounge Ax is walking innocently and oh-so-debonair like down the alley when'st all of a sudden it stumbles across a gruff and lecherous harem of 40 Watt Club of Athens, GA; First Ave. Club of Minnepolis, MN; Cats's Cradle of Chapel Hill, NC; 9:30 of DC; La Luna of Portland, OR; and Neurolux of Boisie, ID. Lounge Ax shuffles it's pretentious Ian McKay style boot, glances at the shadows, and lunges at the harem in a brawl.

Who wins and why? Lounge Ax or the harem?

Am just dying to know Dan.
Frimbo

Frimbo,

First off, Frimbo, I'd like to congratulate you for being resourceful. I understand that the drugs you've been using are difficult to find. I won't spend time dwelling on any of the following:

  • Why someone from Minnesota should have a high propensity of statesmanship.
  • How it is, exactly, that an alley can be potent (unless you are refering to the odor) or why choose to locate it near Pulaski (with one "l").
  • Whoever the hell Ian McKay is.
I'll move directly to the heart of your question - a brawl between Lounge Ax and the other clubs, which you collectively refer to as "a harem."

The American Heritage Dictionary defines a "harem" as: 1. A house or rooms reserved for the women of a Muslim household. 2. The women occupying a harem.

I sincerly believe that in a physical confrontation, Lounge Ax should more than hold its own against six Muslim women.

Also, Frimbo, I'll throw in some advice. I truly appreciate your imagination, but next time you might want to check with your doctor before you stop taking your medication.

pharmaceutically,
Dan

Monday, July 20, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
What's the deal? I see a for sale sale on the lovely brown brick in front of the Lounge Ax. Are you guys moving or what?
colon

Colon,
You have inadvertently touched upon two separate issues.
The building in which Lounge Ax has been housed for nearly eleven years is being sold. But since Lounge Ax does not own the building, this would be of interest only to the owner, or a prospective buyer, or someone who is fascinated by real estate transactions.
But since you ask if we are moving, the answer is that we have been considering finding a new location for some time, though it has nothing to do with the sale of the building. The reason will take some explaining.
When Lounge Ax opened in September of '87, the stretch along Lincoln Avenue where we are located was generally populated by various artists, musicians, literary types amateur philosophers, neighborhood activists and the occasional obligatory street bums. Of that group, only the street bums remain.
The others have been replaced by an infestation of what scientists refer to as the yuppus repulsivitus, more commonly known as yuppies. This has led to some drastic changes. Places such as Orphans, Guild Books, Wax Trax and the Jury Room have been replaced by a video rental store, fancy coffee place and yuppie bars such as the Gin Mill (boy, a lot of thought sure went into that name, didn't it?) There are now some nights when Lincoln looks like a big fraternity party -- BLAGGHHH!! (for those who can't figure that out, the previous unpronounceable syllable is meant to represent a gagging sound.)
About now, you may be saying to yourself something like, "Hey Dan, thanks for the update on recent Lincoln Avenue History - but so what?
Well this is so what: the changeover in the neighborhood has led to a few difficulties such as complaints from neighbors about noise (as though these geniuses couldn' figure out until A F T E R they moved in that there was actually night life on Lincoln). These complaints then led to other problems that I won't spend time discussing, since they have been documented elsewhere such as in the Reader and the Trib.
Since things have been going relatively smoothly for some time, we could probably stay where we're at indefinitely without any major annoyances, but with all these dam yuppies creeping around here, we just might be a little more comfortable at another spot. As Greek philosopher Aristotle noted centuries ago: "Yuppies are like roaches, they're impossible to get rid of.
retrospectively
Dan

Saturday, June 6, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
Why is booze so expensive at Lounge Ax? Don't you and everyone else working there understand that the more you charge the less we will drink? Take for instance if I attend one of your shows with twenty dollars in my pocket, how do you expect me to get drunk? Admittance is most likely between seven to ten dollars, so therefore I am left with only thirteen to ten dollars to spend on booze. How do you expect me to get drunk off of four to three beverages at three dollars a piece?
Steve M.

Steve,
Sue, one of the owners of Lounge Ax, suggests that you might want to consider drinking Huber, which we have on draft for just one dollar. If you start out with $20.00, and let's say the cover is $8.00, that means you could still have ten Hubers and still tip our overworked bartenders $2.00. If this column was called Ask Sue, the answer would now be over. But it's not Ask Sue it's Ask Dan, and as loyal readers know, the answer is not close to over.

Your reference to the cover charge seems to indicate that were it not for the cover the financial situation would be less of a problem. Well, let me tell you what would happen if we didn't charge a cover.

Since the cover charge goes to pay the bands, without a cover bands would not play here. If the bands no longer played here, people would no longer come here. If people didn't come here we would go out of business. If we went out of business, the next time you came to see a rock show, instead what you see is new place, with a clever name such as "The Gin Mill," and a bunch of yuppies wearing baseball caps and stupid sport shirts with white tee-shirts underneath, and tan bermuda shorts or designer jeans and maybe even sandals. And they'd all be watching the (choose one) (a)Cubs, (b)White Sox, (c)Bears, (d)Blackhawks - on some big screens.

And you know what Steve? It would all be your fault for complaining about the cover.

So try not to be too upset. Remember, things could be much much worse.

optimistically,
Dan

April 24, 1998,
Most venerable Dan,
Why do all the girls like to take off their tops when they get drunk together? Especially Sue. And why do you always miss it?
Maux

Darling Maux (I like the spelling),
The reason the girls participate in the extracurricular activities the you refer to is for the purpose of entertaining me.

Unfortunately, as you point out, I keep missing it. This would seem to indicate that their plans are continuing to backfire.

I'm not sure whether it's they or me, but somebody needs to work on their timing.
Revealingly,
Dan

Saturday, April 25, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Not to worry, the people know you're a doorknob, and that's what counts. As for Helga, at least that explains why you're not very bright.

Or shiny. One more question, if I may: Lounge Ax seems very proud of a doorman who makes people feel unwelcome, but when the back door yuppie tries to make Lounge Ax feel unwelcome, everyone cries real loud and then runs and gets David Yow to say something mean. Is it possible that your bad karma caused this unfortunate event to befall Lounge Ax?
Neve

Dear Bev:

(Note to Ask Dan readers: Once again I have misplaced my reading glasses. But not to worry. The always reliable Mr. Anthony has made himself available to read me the question and record my answer.)

Thanks for the question Bev, but I find some parts of it a little confusing. Such as my being a corncob. Is this a new expression that I have missed? And who is favorite cow? Is this an Indian name? I don't even know any Indians.

Also, I was not aware that there was such a puppy at the back door. I can assure you that if the puppy had any bad carmels, they didn't come from me. I didn't even know carmels could go bad.

Anyway, I'm glad that with Mr. Anthony's help we were able to help you out.

Obligingly,
Dan

Most venerable Dan,
Just wondering if anybody ever took some snappies of themselves in the buff inside that doohicky photo machine there?? And if not, have you ever contemplated being the first to sit bare ass on that round seat and say cheese??
Interestingly,
rogue

Dear Rogue:
(Snappies?, Doohickey? Photo Machine? Hey Rogue, next time finish the question before you start drinking ok?)

The term "in the buff" indicates being totally naked. While I have never seen this happen in the photobooth, I have seen some evidence that it has taken place. But considering that the photobooth curtain only comes down to about mid-thigh, and that one or more pairs of naked legs rising from a pile of discarded clothes might appear somewhat conspicuous, such instances are extremely rare.

If however, you are interested in partial nudity, well, that's a whole different can of worms.

On numerous occasions, both when we are open and after hours, and both inside and outside the of the photobooth, there have been photos taken of various exposed body parts belonging to individuals of various sexes. These photos have most frequently involved females, a situation, I have concluded, is based on two factors:

  1. Girls are significantly less inhibited about exposing parts of their bodies than guys are.
  2. Girls have a greater number of interesting body parts to expose than guys.
As for myself being photographed in a such a way - it's true that I'm frequently struck by the urge to rip my clothes off and go rushing into the photobooth to take pictures of my natural self. But when such impulses arise, I recall the advice of my parents, "Never sit bareass on a photobooth seat - you don't know where that thing has been."

Revealingly,
Dan

February 26, 1998
Real Name: neve r. comingback
Dan,
Explain the feeling you had, when, halfway through the interview, you realized Lounge Ax was looking for a door *man*, and you thought you had answered an ad for a door *knob*.
Neve

Neve,
I was of course, devastated.

Being the best doorman in Chicago is a nice distinction. Still, there are other doormen at other rock clubs. But I thought that I had a chance to be the only ONLY official doorknob at any rock club in the entire city, or even on the whole world. It would have made a member of an very elite group made up of just one person - me. Without any competition, I would have had the "Knob of the Year" award locked up.

To add further to my chagrin, sometime later I happened to meet Helga, who had applied for the job of door knob polisher, only to be told that Lounge Ax does not employ doorknobs.

But don't worry Neve, I won't let this setback stop me. I vow to continue to strive to attain my goal of being the first official doorknob at any rock club anywhere.

The dream remains alive.

ambitiously,
Dan

February 6, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
About a year ago, I was driving the company car, running errands for work, and I got a ticket for not having current tags on the license plate. Apparently the tags had been ordered but never recieved, and they probably ended up on the license plate of some postman, heck -- you live in Chicago; you know what I'm saying.

Anyhow, the cop took my driver's license as bond and I didn't end up getting it back until my court date, which was about 3 months later.

During this period, I missed a ton of great shows at Lounge Ax because I was afraid to show up at your door and explain to you why I didn't have my license. Sure, I had my ticket, which had all the information from my license except the photo & organ donor status, but still, I was afraid.

If this ever happens to me again, what should I do? I never had a fake ID when I was under 21, and I don't want to get one when now that I'm 26...but I don't know if I can go another 3 months without going to Lounge Ax again.

Sincerely,
Jay

Jay,

First of all, thanks for keeping your question brief. Listen Jay, the name of this column (or whatever it's called on a computer) is ASK DAN, not Ask Jay. If there is any rambling to be done I will be the one to do it. For proof, see any ASK DAN answer, including this one.

As for your problem, there's more than one simple solution, including either bring other I.D. to verify that the ticket is really yours or getting a State of Illinois I.D. which is just like a driver's license only different.

Of Course, being an ASK DAN reader, the simple solution will never do for you. Fortunately I have a few alternate solutions.

  1. Bring a note from your parents stating that despite their humiliation over their son getting a traffic ticket, they still want you to be able to get into Lounge Ax. Naturally this note must be authenticated by both the mayor and the city council, but considering the importance of the situation, this should be no problem.
  2. Have any active traffic court judge accompany you to Lounge Ax to explain that, despite your driving habits, you should still get in. Of course if the judge wants to come in too, she or he will be required to produce her or his own I.D. and pay the cover charge.
There is one aspect of your question that I find troubling - that you went three months without a verified organ donor status. Jay, I find it hard to believe that you are unaware of the critical shortage of human gizzards at local hospitals. If the gizzard supply is allowed to diminish, it could lead a gizzard deficit epidemic. I'm sure that you'll want to do your part to avoid this state of affairs, and that you will not allow this oversight to reoccur.

Civic mindedly,
Dan

January 30, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
Which do you think will be up on the site first: your answer to this question, or the shows for February?
Jackie O'Nasty

Nasty,
Sorry it took so long to answer, but I've been busy trying to find the schedule for February.

As has been previously noted, I do not own a computer. This situation has led to a somewhat cumbersome process for answering questions to ASK DAN.

In these times of rampant litigation, government intrusion into private lives and devious, sleazy tabloid journalists, one cannot be too careful. It has therefore been necessary to take certain precautions for security purposes.

The ASK DAN questions arrive, via the internet, to an associate of mine whom we shall refer to as Mr. Anthony. Mr. Anthony then delivers the question to a secret address at 2438 N. Lincoln. After writing the answer, I then get in a green '79 Mercury Marquis and drive around the block bringing the answer to a secret address at 2438 N. Lincoln. There, the answer is tied to the leg of a homing pigeon whom we will refer to as Mr. Ira. Fortunately Mr. Ira is a good flyer. Unfortunately he is not too smart. It takes Mr. Ira several days to make is way to a secret place at 2438 N. Lincoln. After retrieving the answer from Mr. Ira's leg I take it one door south where I give the secret knock of three knocks, a pause and then two more knocks. Either someone very short or someone bending over real low, opens the mail slot near the bottom of the door. I say the secret password "cathulu" and the door opens.

I am then blindfolded and taken up one flight of stairs where the blindfold is then removed. I enter a room where I absolutely positively will not give the answer to anyone else in the world other than Mr. Anthony, unless he is not there, in which case I will give it to whoever is there.

By doing some computer stuff that I am unable to comprehend, Mr. Anthony sends the answer to whoever is waiting for a reply. [Or really, posts it to the website. ED.]

I would like to go into more detail about this whole mess, but unfortunately, I don't have the time. I still have to look for that damn February schedule.

expeditiously,
Dan

February 9, 1998
Most venerable Dan,
Do you think that doormen learn as much about life while performing the duties of their position as, say, bartenders, or taxi drivers?
Rob

Rob,
I'll tell you one thing that I've learned: People frequently seem to have difficulty communicating. Considering that the large majority of Lounge Ax patrons grew up in the United States, and have lived most if not all of their lives in the United States, which happens to be an English speaking country, it is somewhat confusing that so many have trouble with the English language. As the recently departed Harry Carry would have said, "I just don't understand it."

Following are some examples of what I'm talking about. The parts in quotation marks are from conversations, mostly on the phone, that actually took place. The words in parenthesis are thoughts that I had but did not really say, although I was tempted.


"What's the address for Lounge Ax?"
"2438 North Lincoln."
"Can you get there from Diversey?"
(What rotten luck. Diversey is the one street in Chicago you cannot get to Lounge Ax from.)
"Which way is Lounge Ax from downtown?"
"North."
"North in what direction?"

"What time does the first band start?" "Ten." "All of them?" (No. We thought we'd try something special and have them play one at a time.)
"Who's the opening band?" "Skeleton Key." "Do they play first?"
OF course, Rob, I have learned much more about life than some people's lack of communication skills. But I don't have time to go into that now. I'm busy looking for the February band schedule.

explicitly,
Dan

February 10, 1998
Most venereal Dan,
If you could magically metamorphose into a animal creature for 36 hours, what animal creature would you metamorphose into for 36 hours?

Adam,
In considering an answer, several possibilities occurred to me.

I thought of becoming a horse of a different color, but that was already used in "The Wizard of Oz" and I didn't want to be a copycat (which also eliminates being a copycat.)

I also considered becoming some species of one-eyed snake, but knowing how ASK DAN readers think, I figured that they might put some sexual connotation on that choice.

In the interest of having the least amount of adjusting to do, I decided to morph into a raccoon. Racoons are nocturnal, thrive in urban areas, will eat almost anything and can be a nuisance.

Altogether, not much different than me.

zoologically,
Dan.

Most venerable Dan,
Every now & then I get drunk at your fine establishment. I then sometimes have a hard time managing my way down the stairs. I understand that the men's facility is to the left, but before I turn that way, I always tend to glance to my right to sneak a peek into the women's world. Is this a bad thing?

Retard,
No, this is not a bad thing. Just think of the advertising possibilities:

Come to Lounge Ax and have Retard the Drunk leer at you while you are in the washroom!
What woman could resist that enticement? Hell, Retard, if we put that in our ad in the Reader we'd probably have ladies lining up around the block to get in every night.

Stay in touch Retard. I'll talk to the owners about putting you on the payroll.

optometrically,
Dan

January 21, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Some times I have a difficulty urinating at Lounge Ax shows. It is not that I can't get into the bathroom, I can. However, it seems the prevailing bathroom protocol at Lounge AX is luck of the draw. I prefer the stall for the peace solitude and comfort it provides. Can you help? Perhaps a secret passage to your private comode?
Tom

Dear Tom,
I understand your problem. I share your lack of desire to urinate in front of an audience.

But as far as using my "private comode" forget it. I'm already sharing it with the Lounge Ax owners, most of the employees and more than a few musicians. Still, I may be able to help you. While waiting for a stall, you might want to wear a sign which reads, "only peeing." This will eliminate from consideration the possibility that you might want to engage in any of the various activities that one might take part in while alone in a bathroom stall. However, if you don't want to call attention to yourself with such a sign, there is another possibility. With the proper padding and attire, (if such things can be called appropriate) you might be able to pass yourself off as a female. This would enable you to use the womens' washroom where you should have no trouble getting the use of a stall.

I would only ask that if you attempt to use this method, please do a really good job of looking like a girl. If our female customers thought a guy was using their bathroom, it might tend to cut down a little on their coming here.

January 18, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Who the cute blond girl is who is always talking to you at the door. Is she your girlfriend? What do you two talk about for hours and hours? You make a cute couple. Thanks,

two curious and slightly jealous admirers

Dear curious and slightly jealous,

I must compliment you on your most excellent timing. Her name is Katie. Katie and I are both very free spirited. As you know, February is Oral Sex Month, are we were looking for two other people to celebrate with. Since there are two of you , we just need to make arrangements to - - just a moment, the phone is ringing. Hold on, I'll be right back...

...hi, it's me again. Um, remember the part at the begining about excellent timing? Well, cancel that thought.

That was two members of the Swedish Olympic Topless Bikini and Thong Modelling Team on the phone. They were looking for two other people to celebrate the February festivities with. In the interest of promoting international relations, I told them that Katie and I would be glad to participate with them. They accepted my generous offer.


Saturday, January 10, 1998

Most venerable Dan,
Are you in the habit of making New Year's Resolutions, and would you be making one for 1998? If so, what is it?
You seem like the type who would shun such a practice....
James C. Corn

Dear James,
You're right about not being a new year resolution type. I feel resolutions should come from self-motivation within an individual; not a date on the calendar. But since you ask. . .

I would like to resolve to make it my goal to achieve world peace. However, that's kind of a lot to bite off and Iím not quite sure just exactly where to begin.

So instead, I think I'll resolve to get a blow-job. It may not be on the scale of world peace, but all things considered, not a bad idea

With great anticipation,
Dan


READ MORE ASK DAN from 1997


Go ahead, A S K any question at all. Our "unsmiling, unyielding stonefaced bulldog"
( NEW CITY "Best of Chicago 1995") will answer your inquiry promptly and completely, and the whole mess will be posted here. (within the bounds of discretion of course)

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