1997 Archive
Ask Dan

Most venerable Dan,
When you die, can I be heir to your post as Lounge Ax doorperson?


Dear dragon,
When I die?

I may be a tad older than the typical post-punk generation X-er (or Y-er, or even Z-er) but please indulge me by not shoveling dirt on my face just yet

As for you, dragon, (a reference to your breath, I presume) in terms of ambition you may be over-reaching. Being doorman at Lounge Ax is not something that can simply be passed along from one person to another. It is a peak on the mountain of achievement and must be gradually scaled

You might want to start out aiming a bit lower. Might I suggest any of the following: solving the crisis between the Israelis and the Palestinians; inventing a cheap fuel alternative to gasoline; getting Dennis Rodman to wear men's underwear; fixing all the potholes in Chicago; avoiding laughing while watching South Park; stopping Michael Jordan from scoring; documenting anything intelligent said by Al Sharpton; finding an honest politician

By the time you've accomplished some of the above, not only will I be dead, but so will just about everyone else on earth. This might cause business at Lounge Ax to be somewhat slow, but the doorman job will be yours


Most Venerable Dan,
I have attended some 20 or so shows at lounge ax over the last 2 years through the use of a fake ID (it was a very good one; there is no way even you could have known). I feel no remorse, as the use of the ID allowed me to witness many a wonderful performance, including 2 coctails shows.
I recently turned 21, and will be attending my first legitimate L.Ax show when I see Shellac on New Year's Eve.

What I want to know is, are you mad at me? If you are I'll go see poi dog.

Dear Wynona,
Really thought you put one over on me, didn't you? Actually, I had you pegged from the get go. I detected your overwhelming sense of desperation. Since you obviously were unaware of this, it could not have affected your intended deception. Therefore your question about being mad at you remains valid.

And the answer is NO, I'm not mad at you. How could I possibly be mad at someone for risking our license in order to serve their own selfish purpose? However, it is possible that some individuals in the rock community do not share my sense of benevolence. Thusly, in the near future, you might want to avoid guys named Vito who hang out with dirty allies.


22 November, 1997
Most venerable Dan,
What is your favorite cocktail/alcoholic beverage?


Dear spoonhead,
I am pleased to observe your use of the slash mark separating cocktail and alcoholic beverage. The subtle distinction between these two terms is generally lost on a large segment of the population, including me. But I digress. Being somewhat of a traditionalist, my favorite drink is a Ralph, which, as I'm sure you know, is a mixture of tequila, kaluah, scotch, blackberry brandy and tomato juice. This should not be confused with its popular variation - - the white ralph - - which is the same drink with cream added.

The Ralph was invented by a man named Ralph Klutch. Ralph used to operate a roller coaster called the Flying Turns at Riverview Amusement Park, which used to be located at Western and Belmont. On occasion, individuals finishing a ride on the Flying Turns would feel a bit queasy. A few cold Ralphs would settle their stomachs.

In a classic example of bad timing, Riverview faded from existence just prior to the rise in popularity of marijuana.

The location where Riverview used to be is now occupied by a police district headquarters. This situation is, of course, filled with irony, although I personally am unable to determine just what exactly this irony is.
I think I'll have another Ralph.

Reminissently, Dan

Most venerable Dan,

i am only 19 years old, but my friends and i have arranged to interview and take some pictures with LOW at lounge ax TOMORROW night. so, are we going to be able to talk to them in the club, or must we converse in the dirty, dangerous allies of chicago?

please let us in, thanks.


Dear Danny,

First, a clarification:

I do not own a computer. Questions come to me through a co-worker at Lounge Ax. I handle the answers and he handles all the computer stuff. Obviously, this results in delays of at least several days. Thus, I did not receive your question until after the night you are asking about. But I will not let this stop me from answering anyway.

If you have arranged to interview a band at Lounge Ax, but are under 21, this can be done as long as it takes place before our opening time, which is usually around 8:00 or 9:00pm. This will avoid legal problems.

I would also like to comment on your reference to dirty, dangerous allies. You do not make it clear whether you mean those allied to me or those allied to you. If you mean me, I can assure you that those I associate with meet at least minimal hygiene standards and are generally passive. If you mean you, I recommend that you consider finding new acquaintances.


Most venerable Dan,
When we pay cover at the door, can we get stamped or a passout or something so we can go grab our friends or get some air or go see Chasing Amy in its 68th week at the 3 Penny?

Rock over London, Rock on Chicago.

Dear Rock,
Yes. However, Chasing Amy is no longer at the Three Penny. As a matter of fact, you are now, also too late to see Three Penny's Showing of Contempt featuring Bridget Bardot in her sensuous prime. In the future, please try and stay on top of current events.

Dan (the real one)

P.S. Time delays in answering questions are not the fault of the answerer.
Dan (still the real one)

Most venerable Dan,
Have you ever had to put the hurt on someone in the fulfillment of your duties?

Most sincerely,

Dear Ben,
Due to misplacing my reading glasses, I am unable to read this question. I 've had someone read it to me, and this is my answer:

No, I have never had to put a shirt on anyone at Lounge Ax. People who come here are responsible for bringing their own shirts. Furthermore, it is the responsibility of the individual to put his or her own shirt on (although, if it is a her, I am available to assist.) Finally, I find the nature of your question somewhat mystifying.

yours as always

most venerable dan,
how do i go about getting my band an opening slot at lounge ax?


Dear Nic,
Most normal people for instance, those who are able to useCAPITAL LETTERS would call the bar on Tuesday or Thursday afternoons between 3 and 6 PM Chicago time. However, since you have seen the wisdom of sidestepping this complicated procedure in order to come directly to me, here is my advice:
Send directly to ME information about your band along with a large amount of money (anything over $25,000 should be adequate.) I will keep all the money and pass along the band information to those who do the bookings. Since they will get none of the money, all of this will do you absolutely no good whatsoever.

But it will make me feel one hell of a lot better.

Good luck,

Go ahead, A S K any question at all. Our "unsmiling, unyielding stonefaced bulldog"
( NEW CITY "Best of Chicago 1995") will answer your inquiry promptly and completely, and the whole mess will be posted here. (within the bounds of discretion of course)

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