ASK DAN!

As Ask Dan approaches its fourth year, we take pride in the fact that, unlike some fancy downtown advice columnists, Dan has answered EVERY SINGLE QUESTION which has been put to him. Could this mean that Dan has too much time on his hands? Well, he is a doorman, so if he takes a minute or two every now and then during the course of a busy night to answer the heartfelt concerns of his loyal readers, who could fault him? On the other hand, one could surmise that this awesome track record has more to do with the fact that not so many people have questions that they deem worthy of Dan's time. Let us assure that if you have any kind of question at all, it's worthy, so go ahead and ASK DAN!

Because ASK DAN is so damn popular, we've had to stick the questions and answers from previous years into the following archives:

Ask Dan 1999

Ask Dan 1998

Ask Dan 1997

READ MORE ASK DAN from 1999, 1998 or 1997

Fri, 31 Dec 1999
Mostly just Dan,
I am sure I am asking the question that is on everyone's mind... Where will we go for the kind of quality advice we have all become dependant upon when Lounge Ax closes their doors on January 16? Will these cyber doors close, too? Will this sight remain? Please let me know because if this is it, I will have to quickly project the rest of my life and come up with the many questions and querries I am sure to encure. Help me, Dan Orman...You're my only hope,
-Mark
P.s. If this is the end, what is your home phone number?

Sun, 2 Jan 2000
Most venerable Dan,
What are you going to do?
Jay

Thur, 13 Jan 2000
Most venerable Dan,
So what now?
Longingly, The Curtain

Mark, Jay and Whoever,
Seeing as I'm getting multiple questions and comments about the imminent demise of Lounge Ax, I'm combining my answers into one reponse.

This response is in the form of a song expressing my thoughts about my years at Lounge Ax.

The Doorman's Bitter Lament

In September '87
Don't know what I was looking for
When some friends opened up Lounge Ax
And I started working the door.

Checking I.D.'s, taking cover
Goddamn guestlist every night
Dirty looks and snapping at people
'cause I always thought I was right
...well usually I thought I was right
...OK sometimes I thought I was right.

When bands used the dressing room upstairs
Someone had to lock up behind
It becameyour friendly doorman
and I happily said "I don't mind"
and I can't believe you bought that bullshit line.

I got questions on my website
sometimes answers came back late
I still don't know how to work a computer
Thanks Tony you were great.

I would play with my friend Spencer,
We would laugh all day to the end
They can take away our playground
But Spencer will always be my best friend.

And now Lounge Ax is history
But I won't turn to lie of crime
And I will not kill myself either
I'll be at home just crying all the time.

And so goodbye to my friends
Maybe sometime I'll be seeing you
There will never be a place like Longe Ax
Thank you forever Julia and Sue.

Dan

Wed, 15 Dec 1999
Most venerable Dan,
What are you going to do for work now? How about a cushy Chicago Tribune or Sun-Times advice job?
Patrick

Fri, 10 Dec 1999
Most venerable Dan,
Most people would think that now that Lounge Ax is closing its doors, the need for a doorman is no more. I don't buy that, however. As a public service to the fragile Chicago rock fan's psyche, do you think you could still hang around on Lincoln Avenue, checking IDs and taking money? I know I would not be the only one who would appreciate the effort.
Card Me

Patrick and Card Me,
[Due to the similar themes of these two questions I am answering them together in one combined answer.]

I have not yet been contacted by either the Trib or the Times. This is possibly because
the nature of some of my answers might not be considered suitable for a family publication.
Or maybe they just never heard of me.
I find the idea of hanging out on Lincoln and continuing to do my job, even after Lounge Ax closes, somewhat intriguing.
I could sit on a barstool on the sidewalk, wait for a customer to come up to me and have the following conversation:
Can I see your I.D. please?
What?
I said can I see your I.D. please?
Why?
Just doing my job.
What job is that?
Checking I.D.s.
What for?
Because it's my job?
I feel like this conversation is going around in circles.
You're entitled to your opinion, but I still have to see your I.D.
OK, OK - here's my lousy I.D. - Now can I go?
Not quite. There's a $5 cover.
What?
I said there's a $5 cover.
What for?
For not going into Lounge Ax.
That doesn't make any sense.
Like I said before, you're entitled to your opinion, but it's still a $5 cover.
Why should I pay $5 to not even go into a place?
Rules are rules.
But Lounge Ax isn't even here anymore.
That's why you can't go in.
If Lounge Ax isn't here, where do I go to not enter?
Anywhere you don't want to.
This is crazy. I think I'll complain to the mayor.
Won't do you any good. He has to pay $5, same as everyone else.
This is starting to feel like Alice in Wonderland meets The Twilight Zone.
A very poetic description. But it's still a $5 cover.
Look here's your damn $5. Now, can I not go in?
Go right ahead.
OK, but if I'm not satisfied I'm going to tell my friends to stop not coming here.
Now you're getting the idea.
Over Officiously,
Dan

Sun, 19 Dec 1999
Most venerable Dan,
Can you please tell me how to get Floyd in Jet Force Gemeni for N-64?
Adam

Adam,
Just to make things clear for those who are not as informed as Adam and myself, I should point out the following:
1. Floyd is short for Pink Floyd.
2. Jet Force Gemini is an airplane hangar decorated with zodiac signs.
3. N-64 is a bingo number.

So what Adam is asking is how can get Pink Floyd to play at the hangar on bingo night.

Well Adam, I'm not in touch with the guys in Pink Floyd as frequently as I used to be. But if you want to go ahead and send your request directly to the band, feel free to mention my name.

I'm sure that in no time at all you'll get a positive reply.
Rock and Roll is Here to Stay,
Dan